London Underground Ettiquette

Or alternatively, how not to be annoying on the Tube.

1.  Stand to the right on escalators if you're not walking on them.

I understand that some people like to take leisurely strolls.  I've been known, on occasion, to meander through the maze of escalators, stairways and hallways of a Tube station as though it was my own personal museum.  Granted, I was just really lost during all of these times.  But I understand that some people just move slowly. During rush hour. When I'm later for work.

And while, I respect your right, to do so, I would really, REALLY appreciate it if you could just keep to the right on the escalators.  There is nothing more infuriating, then sprinting through Holborn station, darting in and out of people's ways on the stairs up from the Central line, ducking and diving through the people entering the station at the woefully misplaced central escalators, turning the corner and beginning your lightning fast descent down the escalator to the Piccadilly line, only to find someone standing, yes standing, on the wrong side of the escalator. 

As I'm American, I do ask people if they could move over.  But this is not a land of Americans.  It's the land of the British.  And for the most part, Brits will not ask you to move.  They will very passive-aggressively breath on the back of your neck, feign an apology when you become uncomfortable from the heat of a stranger's breath on your skin, and rush down the stairs.  To avoid heat and possible stench of a stranger's breath on your skin, please stand to the right.

2. Remember that the pole in the middle of the carriage is not a personal back support.

I notice that this seems to happen usually during rush hour by some guy in a pin stripe suit.  Once again, it's rush hour, the train is crazy crowded.  You have become personally acquainted with the guy in front of you who doesn't seem to know what deodorant is.  You try to keep as much personal space as possible and look to reach for a pole or bar for support.  But alas!  There isn't one because Mr. Pin Stripe suit has decided that crowded train be damned, he needs to rest his back on something.  As a result, you continue to fall into the smelly arms of Mr. B.O. every time the train starts or stops and worry that he might be getting the wrong idea.   Now, I personally just grab on to the pole and position my knuckles in such a way that Mr. Pin Stripe moves.  Sure I may get a dirty look from time to time.  But, who cares! Its keeps me away from Mr. B.O.  In short if you don't want a knuckle lodged in your back,  the don't lean on the pole!

3.  Don't try to read your paper in cramped quarters during rush-hour.

As with the above, there always seems to be a guy in a pin stripe suit who just has to read his newspaper.  And by reading his newspaper, I mean, unfolding the entire thing, stretching it out in front of him as wide as possible and holding it a comfortable reading distance from his face to indulge in today's business news.  Again, this is all fine and dandy if you have a seat or if they train isn't crowded.  But if its a Mr. B.O. situation as described above, save it for when you get into the office.  Or at least fold it up and hold it in such a way that takes up less space.

4.  Please give up your seats for the pregnant, elderly or the injured.  

I was on the way to work and had left rather early to beat the rush.  So I had a really comfortable seat on the train. At the 2nd stop, a large group of people got on.  All of the seats were taken.  And as I was about to change the song on my iPod, I noticed a guy on crutches with a massive bandage on this foot.  He was having a really hard time managing to balance himself on the crutche plus his satchel.   He was also unfortunately in a carriage that didn't have a pole of him to hold on to.  Instead, he just grabbed an overhead bar and hoped for the best.  Now as I was sitting in a non-handicapped seat, I didn't immediately offer up my seat.  I figured, surely, someone in a handicapped seat would see the man struggled to keep himself upright and offer them his seat.  I was wrong.  Suffice to say, I gave him my seat and he was very grateful.  Moral of the story:  Please give up your seat for those less able to stand.

5.  Don't bring over-sized luggage on the Tube during rush hour.

I know that this might be controversial.  I myself have been guilty of doing this.  But rush hour is bad enough without the added misery of trying to maneuver around massive roller suitcases.  They take up lots of space on the train.  And unless you're on the Piccadilly line, the other Tube lines don't have designated areas for you to put them.  Plus as the London Underground is the oldest subway system in the world, there aren't many elevators for you to use.  So you'll have to carry your massive suitcase that just barely made the airline's weight requirement up and down several flights of stairs.  So if you can avoid it, please do not bring over-sized luggage on the Tube during rush hour.

But if you really have to there are a few tips.

1. On stairs, try to wait until most people have walked past before attempting to carry your stuff up/down.
2. Use the luggage areas on the Tube.  If people are in the way, call them out and ask if you can put your bag there.
3. When using the escalator, keep your bag in front or behind you on the right side so that people can walk by.
4. Don't try to force you're way onto an already crowded train.  The next train will be there in about 1 min It'll most likely be less crowded which will make your journey more comfortable.

Finally, here are a list of things that you really shouldn't do on a train as it's really annoying and/or gross:

• Clean your nails (flicking your nail ickiness around the places is disgusting)
• Spray perfume/cologne (Some people may be allergic)
• Paint your nails (Too many fumes)
• Leave your food rubbish (eg. chicken bones, food packaging) on the train
• Eat smelly food (eg. egg salad) on the train
• Clean your hairbrush on the train .
• Clip your nails or toenails (True story!)
• Pick your nose
• Cough/Sneeze into your hand and then put that same hand on a pole/hand bar that you're sharing
• Talk loudly about personal stuff ( I shouldn't be at the other end of the train and know that you tested negative for herpes)
• Put your feet on the seat in front of you on a crowded train
• Cough/sneeze into a free paper and leave it on the train